Shikagoland’s 2nd Annual Halloween Shopping Guide

Dear readers, we are full into October now. Any day now you’ll awaken out of a apple cider donut and pumpkin beer (don’t even get me started on this “all pumpkin everything” mania. That post is coming. SOON) haze and realize that you have a limited amount of time to find a appropriate outfit for your Halloween barcrawl/fraternity rager/night in jail.

As always, Shikagoland is here to help.

Culturally insensitive/historically inaccurate costumes: the hallmark of a post-racial America

Native

Every year I am mind blown at how many “native american” costumes I see out and about. Princess Hot on the Trail and Chief Wansum Tail continue in that proud and storied tradition.

Chinese Gentleman

Chinese Gentleman. Because stereotypes about submissive Asian women just don’t get it done anymore.

asianfailJust kidding.

Confederate Officer Adult Costume

This Confederate Soldier costume will come in REAL handy at a historical re-enactment…or Paula Deen’s Halloween Party.

Parade Rasta Mon Adult

This Parade Rasta Mon costume was renamed because Confused College Freshman From the Suburbs wouldn’t fit on the package.

Remember the trojans

Yes, this is just your standard “sexy” historically inaccurate Roman chick goddess whatever. But the fact that its called Remember the Trojans (this warrior always has time for fun, even though there are battles to be won) just adds another level of ICK. 

Outta My Mind

When mocking based on gender and ethnicity aren’t enough, the “Going Outta My Mind” goes that extra mile. Mental illness is HILARIOUS.

Mail Order Bride

A mail order bride. Because sex trafficking? Also HILARIOUS.

Sexy…animal costumes?

sexy animals

Sexy skunk. Sexy bear. Sexy Penguin. Sexy raccoon. Sexy giraffe.

Sexy. Skunk. Like. This is happening, America.

Because you can put sexy in front of anything and call in a costume these days

sexy candy

Sexy candy. And the girl in the Nerds dress has on glasses. Cause shes’ a nerd! Get it!? Hurr durr

Diet Coke

Sexy high fructose corn syrup.

Blue Crayola

Sexy art supplies. Although since they have this dress in lots of colors, if you were into that kind of thing, this would make an excellent group costume…until some dudebro tried to rub on your to color himself.

Sassy Care Bear

Sexy children’s toy.

Corpse Bride Sexy Adult

Sexy undead bride.

Egyptian Mummy

Sexy dead thing.

I’m so bored.

Terrorists and oppressors make SICK Halloween costumes

Dear Leader Adult Costume Osama Bin Laden

I can’t.

Dudebro Classics

Patriarchy

Your dad didn’t mind.

Snake Charmer

Penis humor. How original.

Rub Me Genie

*yawn*

Breathalyzer Adult Costume

I once had the misfortune of being at a party where someone was wearing this costume. The only people who ponied up to the breathalyzer? Other dudes. So. Yeah.

CockBlock

Ok. I’ll admit it. I laughed at this one. I’ll allow it.

Double Occupancy

Wanna Nookie Hula Costume

Whatever.

Couple costumes….because you’re stuck together until New Year’s Day at least. Might as well make the best of it.

couple

You don’t want to be friends with these people.

Belly Buster Shirt Adult

I’m assuming from the fuzzy filter and the model’s glazed expressions that this is a play on Edward and Bella and their demon spawn and…I approve. Its like…everything. I want to be friends with these people. Amazing.

UNACCEPTABLE

Whitney and Bobby

This is supposed to be Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. She’s dead you assholes.

But its not all bad.

Costumes that don’t suck

Clown (Female) Adult Costume

Possibly the cutest clown costume I’ve ever seen.

Jem and the Holograms

One can never go wrong with Jem.

Old Tymer Football Player Adult Costume

This is…its hot. If you wore this to a party I was at I’d make out with you. Probably. I’m just saying.

Raiden

A perfect combination of awesome costuming and nostalgia. If you didn’t lose hours of your youth playing Mortal Kombat til your fingers were sore then I just don’t want to know you.

Rainbow Brite

WANT

Rockford Peaches Adult Costume

I have never seen a A League of their Own costume before but now I want to buy this and wear it every day. With all my friends.

Spy Vs. Spy White Spy Adult CostumeVenus Fly Trap Adult Costume

Perfect.

And finally…..

NO. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Giggles Creature Reacher Adult

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