Fall is the best.
I was born in fall. Fall has cute boots, apple cider, fuzzy sweaters,
long walks through leave strewn parks with your ruggedly handsome winter boo, and pumpkin flavored baked goods. Fall is everything.
But, like all good families, there is a black sheep. Halloween. Halloween is fall’s tacky cousin who comes to stay after the lease in his shore house ends. Kids walk from house to house demanding sugary bribes. Otherwise sane people PAY bored high school kids to scare them while walking through a “haunted house”. Zombies, ghosts, and dudes with woman issues and a affinity for hockey masks fill our tv screens.
And to put the cherry on the tackiness sundae? Halloween costumes. Its still the first week of October and odds are, despite the fact that you swore this was gonna be the year you got crafty with it and made your own awesome costume, you have nothing to wear yet and will end up buying something from a Halloween store. And while we here at Shikagoland kid Halloween, it throws a hell of a party which is why we put up with the other bullshit.
In that spirit, I have trolled the usual costume buying websites to help narrow down your search. You’re welcome.
Culturally insensitive/historically inaccurate costumes: for the drunk sorority girl in you
Pocahottie: Because nothing says “a proud people” like push up bras, faux suede fringe, and a plastic feather. The perfect outfit for doing shots of “Tears of Our Ancestors”.
Southern Belle: You can totally get away with this one if the only black people you know clean your house or like, totally don’t care if you say the n-word when you’re listening to Jay-Z songs. As God is your witness, you’ll never have more than one black friend.
Prudence the Naughty Pilgrim: Nothing says religious freedom like…oh forget it.
A fucking “sexy” shark. *sigh*
I found Waldo. She works at the Boom Boom Room on Saturday nights. And she really likes apple martinis. And never met her dad.
You know what? The real Winnie the Pooh had addiction problems, didn’t wear pants, and hung out with a delusional owl, a manic depressive donkey, and a illiterate crackhead tiger. This costume is wholesome by comparison.
Its all fun and games til you remember that David the Gnome totally died at the end of that show. Try getting laid at the Halloween barcrawl when you end up sobbing in a corner moaning “but what happened to Swift the Fox!? They left him all alone!!!!”
The “Fuck Effort” Collection
I suppose it beats a sign that says “Yes, I *am* planning on spiking your drink” for creativity.
Unless your Halloween night plans involve
showing up at your ex-girlfriends house party and stalking her secretly surprising her. In that case, this is perfect. And it doubles as a blanket which you’ll need in that cold empty cell you’ll end up in at the end of the night. #WINNING