The Shikagoland Olympics

So, as if you couldn’t tell, I’m completely consumed by the Olympics these days. While I love the Winter Games more, the Summer games have pools. Which means hot swimmers and divers. So I’m here for it.

Of course, with an event of this scale, not all the action is happening on the field/pool/mat/etc. There are stories and moments that won’t receive the proper attention (or derision) they deserve.

This cannot be.

So with that in mind I bring you….

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*cue theme music*

Ooops. My mistake.

*ahem*

The Bronze Medal for…receiving a crappy Bronze medal goes to….Brazilian Judoka Felipe Kitadai! Apparently the bronze medals are made so cheaply that his has already broken (in the shower no less) and he is appealing to receive a replacement. Hey Felipe? If they don’t replace it, just tell the ladies you broke it with your bare hands. Up top!

THIS IS WHY ONLY GOLD MATTERS. AMERICA FUCK YEAH

The Platinum Medal in Best Unintentional Use of A Onscreen Graphic goes to…NBC!

This is about the ONLY thing I’ll give them credit for.

The Tin Foil Medal in Being Kinda Creepy goes to American Gymnast Denell Leyva who likes to send sorta sexy pics of himself via text message to the ladiezzz. Next time bro? Spend your time taking pictures of people not Tanning it on the pommel horse.

tan
(verb): the act of messing up in a big way; failure; the name of a supposed curse spawned by gymnast Kevin Tan, whose failure was so massive it has allegedly begun to plague other athletes during the Olympic Games in Beijing 2008.

The Melted Gum on the Sidewalk Medal in Total Absolute FAIL goes to NBC for spoiling an event right before airing it. Last night, American swimmer Missy Franklin won gold in the 100m backstroke. While this competition took place in the afternoon here in the states, NBC true to FailForm declined to air the event until prime time. There has been TONS of hand wringing all over the media in recent days about the tape delay drama. Honestly? I can see both sides. But a clear indicator that NBC has no idea HOW to handle a tape delayed event was when they aired a Today show promo touting Missy’s appearance with her gold medal…about 30 seconds before the actual race aired. Nice one, guys.

Also. Missy is 17. Someone born in 1995 is winning Olympic medals. Let that make you feel as old as is applicable.

The Diamond Encrusted with a Sweet Caramel Center Medal for being the most “into it” dignitary in the stands goes to…FLAWLESS FLOTUS Michelle Obama.

I know. I wish she was my mom too.

The Tears Trapped in a Glass Case of Emotion Medal in breaking the hearts of fans everywhere goes to Kristi Yamaguchi. For appearing in a Mitt Romney campaign ad. Kristi. I believed in you. I need a moment….*sobs*

While I compose myself:

Marry me. Please. You absolutely ridiculous person.

And now, today’s final award.

The Big Brass Ones medal in “AND I AM TELLLIN’ YOU. I’M NOT GOOOOING” goes to South Korean fencer Shim Lam. Yesterday during her event a timer error resulted in her losing her shot at the gold medal. The logistics are a bit murky but what I do know is that (as per the rules of the appeal) Shin sat on the piste for nearly an hour, her absolute misery on display for the entire world (via the extremely douchey NBC camera people who insisted on zooming in on her grief stricken face whenever they felt like it) when a lot of people might have just run away to save face. Eventually she lost her appeal and was forced to compete in the Bronze medal round when she was clearly in no shape to compete. I hope that one of her countrymen (or hell, someone else’s countrymen) were there to offer a shoulder (or other parts…no judgement) to cry on. I think she’s a BOSS.

 

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