Shikagoland Learns a Lesson: White Chicks Are Awesome

Next Week’s Guest Blogger

This morning a absolutely delightful piece of flaming dog poop literature floated across my Twitter timeline, thankfully distracting me from Mittens Romney campaigning to be the President of British people or something. Apparently Funkmaster Flex has a blog that isn’t just audio files of horns and bombs dropping (I know, I know. I’m shocked too) and a guest blogger took to that space today to share with us 10 Reasons Black Guys Prefer White Girls (no, I’m not linking. If you want to read it Google is your autopilot).

I mean, its obvious that they SHOULD prefer them, but I’m thankful that someone has nailed this universal truth down into bullet 10 easy points.

Sarcasm aside…well. I can’t help myself from picking apart some of these. Mostly cause this…makes me feel bad for white/non-black women?

Whatever, I’m on a lunch break and my takeout hasn’t been delivered yet. LEGGO

One of the points in this travesty is that white women will basically do whatever men want in bed, and maintain a smile throughout. Other races have too many sexual hangups. Lets unpack that, shall we? Even if you ignore the sexual stereotypes forced on Asian women (take your pick from docile “me love you long time” or dominant “dragon lady” types)  among other races, I find it amusing that black women are often labeled as overly sexual by society at large yet… apparently we aren’t freaks in the sheets? Our (often imitated but never duplicated) voluptuous figures are surely the sole reason why massa just  couldn’t keep it is his pants around enslaved women…or something (IDK. Slavery was so long ago, who can remember the details? I should re-read “Gone With The Wind”), and our young girls are harassed on the streets by grown ass men…right?. We’re solely to blame for the breakdown of the traditional family because we’re just SO FUCKING SEXUAL that we get pregnant at 12 and just…keep on having babies cause…OH GOD WE’RE JUST SO SEXUAL..or something.  But really, we’re all just prudes with good PR. Or something. But there I go again, expecting logic.

*drops Funkmaster Flex Bomb*

Next up: white women don’t talk back. The author of the blog post suggests that all a man has to do is put a little aggression in his voice, and the woman will obey. I say just cut out words altogether and just bark at that broad, since you’re treating her like a poodle in the midst of house breaking training anyway.

*sounds horn*

My favorite: white women don’t mind getting their hair wet. O…kay. So lets me take a moment and say that every white woman I know has WAY more hair products than I do. They also do things like pay $50+ dollars for blowouts (even after washing their OWN hair at home), attack dark roots with the fervor of a exterminator, and let us not forget that the film Legally Blonde taught us ALL that a girl with a curly perm cannot get her hair wet within a certain time period or the whole thing will be ruined. My point here being: every white woman is NOT just jumping into pools with reckless abandon. On the same token, I went to Mexico a few months ago. When I tell you that I spent every single day of that vacation making like a fish in the ocean and the pool without a single care given…but thats not the point. Black women and their hair face more scrutiny inside and outside our communities, from our mothers and from the media and so on. Its never just as simple as not wanting to “mess up” our hair. But. This generation gave us men who come up with things like the Yung Berg pool test so…I may be wasting my time here.

AAAAAAAAAND 1!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m sure you can fill in the blanks for the rest of the post without my help but, in case you want to be sure white girls: don’t wanna be video hoes, spend all their money on their men, cook/clean without any hesitation, suck dick better, have easier to say names (aiight then, Hakeem), and are just, in general, more FUN!!!! than women of other races.

Okeedokee.

Well…my lunch is here and I’m bored with this topic so I’ll leave you with this: the picture they use to accompany this article is of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West (or Kimye as I call them when they come over for tea). The caption on the picture quotes Kanye’s line from gold digger “and when he get on, he leave yo ass for a white girl“.

This is HILARIOUS for two reasons:

1. The blog post makes a point (two separate ones actually) of explaining that white women give head/are more fun in bed than black women. UM. We’ve all seen Kim in bed. On film. With a black man no less. Ain’t nobody studying Kim for sexual prowess.

2. Leaving her ass for a white girl was not meant as a compliment in that song. Like…the entire preceding verse is about how his black girlfriend accepted that he wasn’t a baller, noticed and nurtured his potential, and ignored advances from more financially well off men…and then he ditched her for a white girl.

*BUCK BUCK BUCK*

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