Confession time: I’m a reality tv snob.
I’ll give you a moment to process the absurdity of that statement.
When I was a young one, a little show called The Real World debuted on MTV. I was definitely too young to be watching it, but my parents didn’t really get that because…no one knew what reality tv was. But that group of super cool and dramatic 20- somethings in New York connected with me, and countless others. Whenever some ridiculous new reality show starts, Flavors of Not Really Wives of People You’ve Never Heard of Tour Bus, or whatever I have to roll my eyes. The early seasons of The Real World dealt with real issues, people with actual goals in life struggling to make it, sex, racism, AIDS, politics, and what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting REAL. It gave us Flora trying to climb through a window to watch a threesome, Tami (who is now a cast member of May or May Not Have Been Basketball Wives at Some Point) giving us the classic line “IT WASN’T. NOT. FUNNY”, Melissa’s confessional regarding Danny’s failed efforts at finding somewhere to sleep because David was servicing the hos in his room, Julie asking Heather B if she sold drugs because she carried a pager, Montana’s boyfriend Vaj screaming “WHOOOORE” with a gusto I have tried and failed to imitate on several occasions, and….Puck.
For years I was glued to every incarnation of the show and then…Las Vegas happened. Something changed about the show in that season and, much like herpes, it was permanent. And for the most part, I checked out of reality tv. I didn’t care about the fake millionaire, or a bunch of famewhores at a resort, and I have never been able to muster up half a care about The Bachelor. I became a fan of shows like The Amazing Race, Project Runway and Dancing with the Stars, where people actually DID things but otherwise I was over the genre, content to wish mightily for the old seasons of The Real World to be released on DVD.
Enter Twitter. Twitter is a terrible influence on my television watching habits. Like clockwork on certain evenings my entire timeline is flooding with discussions of shade, weaves, lyin’ ass heffas, etc. Finally tired of not knowing what people were talking about, I started watching shows like The Real Housewives (Atlanta for the ratchet, Beverly Hills for the money), Basketball Wives, The Family Hustle (T.I.’s kids are TOO CUTE. Major for President!), etc.
This past Sunday I found myself trying to watch the Oprah interview with Whitney Houston’s family and eventually switching over to RHOA (Real Housewives of Atlanta) for some levity. After cracking the required number of Uncle Ben jokes about Cynthia’s husband Peter, I felt that my pop culture twitter requirement had been met for the evening.
Then I saw this guy
And I was like: I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, what you did, as long as you love me.
This smashing chap is Reza Farahan of the new Bravo reality series Shahs of Sunset. From the official show description:
Shahs of Sunset follows a group of friends who are trying to juggle their active social lives and up-and-coming careers while balancing the demands of their families and traditions. These passionate socialites are fervent on the dating and party scene, but seeking approval from their family they face pressures to settle down and marry within the community. From outings on Rodeo Drive to traditional Persian feasts at home, this series celebrates the unique lifestyle of a group of friends who have worked hard for what they have and are not afraid to flaunt it.
Real Not Yet Wives, Dudebros, and Their Mothers.
Reza is hilarious and is clearly going to be the breakout of the show. I enjoyed his musings on his “porn stache” and how Persian penises are like Boy Scouts, as in always prepared. Bless his light.
The rest of the cast is:
Golnesa “GG” Gharachedagi – GG is…not as cute as she thinks she is. Her surgeon got a little slice happy with her nose job, and frankly a bigger snoz would balance out her fivehead and tiny baby mouth. GG has a unfortunate habit of acting like a badass, not just a confident no nonsense woman, but someone who had to fight their way home from school every day. GG doesn’t have a job. GG jumped bad with someone at a dinner because they may have insinuated that she was wearing H&M. GG is annoying. So its only fitting that the fake drama of the season will revolve around whether or not she’s gonna bump uglies with…
Mike Shouhead – Somewhere Snooki is furiously googling “r persans guido juiceheads?” Mike’s Bravo bio states that he is ” is part of the self-appointed “Persian Real Estate Mafia” in Los Angeles” which basically tells you all you need to know about him. Mike is a mama’s boy. He enjoys how much GG clearly wants to ride his disco stick because he’s that kind of douchebag. I can’t wait to be bored to death by this “storyline”.
Sammy Younai – Sammy is a case study in why the universe should not allow fat unattractive dudes to get rich.I keed, I keed. Sammy is also in real estate and dates hot chicks. But because he’s aging and probably not as rich as he could be, he is wondering if its time to settle down with the right Persian girl. Grab those aspirins and stick ’em between your knees, ladies! We got a live one!
Asa Soltan Rahmati – 1.DAMN thats a badass name. 2. I don’t understand Asa. If she were white and nerdy I’d call her the Andrea Zuckerman of the show because I can’t figure out why she even hangs around these people. Not because she is less vapid or annoying, but because she seems to hate them and vice versa. I do appreciate her commitment to sparkle motion by showing up to the pool party wearing a She Ra belt but otherwise…I don’t understand.
Mercedes “MJ” Javid -I really wanted to be team MJ. Mostly because she has flawfree taste in housecoats. But then she went off the rails at the wedding boutique where her friend was trying on wedding dresses and she let her Team Bitter flag fly free. MJ stated that her parents divorced when she was young and I’m sure that affected her, but there is significantly more butt hurt required to talk shit about marriage to friend who is TRYING ON WEDDINGS DRESSES. Tuck it in, MJ. Seriously. Also, your dogs need a diet. Or at the very least you can start with letting them WALK from the car to the fancy pet hotel.
So, for now I’m hooked. Because I am weak. I can’t even blame this on Twitter because no one else was talking about it. BUT THEY SHOULD. It meets my preferred requirements of ratchet and obnoxious displays of wealth. What else could a midwestern black girl who identifies as part of the rapidly disappearing middle class want out of her reality tv?